...This Is What You Get

19.30

West Haven

True to form, just as I was going to do 1 more final post here http://magnifica_tion.livejournal.com/ the computer at orchard street studios crashed and burned and took the 2009 LJ site with it...

So, no final update to provide a proper link - since that particular machine had the outlook email account un-accessable from anywhere else (not too mention I long since forgot the password)...

Therefore, I will provide the link here: http://ghwaters.livejournal.com/

This is where the future begins...

Enjoy,
ghwaters...

13.30 the little room.

Hello World!!

You have found my original live journal, which was in active use from say late 2006 until earlier this year. It ran in conjunction with my original site which was on Yahoo 360! under the name "orchardstreetstudios.sounds" which is sadly lost in the world of cyber space.

This live journal you are reading is something which I am very proud of.

13.38

Feel free to read as many journal entires here as you like, not to mention my detailed profile - which is essentially the story of my life, up until earlier this year...

Should you desire more food for thought - you can visit my current live journal, which will bring you up to date and then some.

That URL is right here: http://magnifica_tion.livejournal.com/

13.51

The sky is gray this day after Thanksgiving.

I am in my Wolfs den, house sitting for Vera the cat.

But I am doing more than just that, because this is also my home, just as the Orchard Street Studio's back in East Derby is a home to her as well...

After spending sometime thinking about my original live journal, I have decided to re-activate it for historical purpose's...

There is now a direct link to this page from my current magnifica_tion live journal, which I am hoping current readers will explore if interested in my past...

14.06

Time to call my Wolf, who is in Ann Arbor visiting her folks.

While some who are married view the time a spouse is away as party time, for me it is more a time for reflection, and thought for a new brighter and better tomorrow.

When you are really in love, it's all good - and time apart is really just time that's a part of who we are both individually and together, not too mention that it is absolutely essential that we continue to be who we are and who we were because this is why we are one in the first place...

14.16

I thank you for visiting this site and encourage you to see if the link to my Geocities site "OrchardStreetStudios.Sounds/Images" is still some how searchable, because it did contain some interesting information in it - which may or may not be gone forever...

Anarchy,Peace.. LOVE and Freedom,
Earth aka Big George Waters xoxoxoxoxo

(Image is of the 'always barefoot Jadzia', by the North Sea, during what I believe was early April of 2007, when she still lived in Poland)

13.40 East Derby.
Well, I finally got mine last week - but it was not the way I wanted to.

In July of 2007, I had a notion that my life was interesting enough to where there might be some people who would want to read about it. My main inspiration came from both Henry Rollins and Andy Warhol who are two people I truly admire - but soon I realized that my life was really pale in comparison to either of those brilliant individuals...

13.44
When Carly wrote me last week informing me of Tara's passing, I was filled with sadness. She found a post I did though one of my other avenues used to get my life out into the public eye - and when I saw how she found it - through Google - where it appeared directly below Tara's on line guest book, which was below Tara's obituarary - I was immediatly alarmed.

I got my 20 minuets of fame.

I re-read what I had originally posted - and felt it was proper to leave it in it's original from.

I also thought about this entire situation - how I tried so hard to get Tara's name out there so she could get the help she needed. You see, I never met her - I only knew of her through some personal stationary I found of her's while doing a river clean-up via my canoe... which I turned into the police in the town she was from.

I never heard anything again - until Carly contacted me...

13.50
In light of this - and also the simple fact that my vintage operating system is becoming slower and slower - I have decided that it is now appropriate for me to pull the plug and leave cyber space - this time for good.

For those interested in my life past present and future - it's all right here if you search hard enough - all, and then some...

Know that I am well, and that I am returing to the sea which I now realize is my true calling...

From this moment on, I will be off-line.

Anarchy, Peace LOVE and Freedom,
George xoxo

21.42 East Derby.

This above was the title to a children's book which my Leslie was working on right before she chose to take her own life - 13 years ago this past week...

I went yesterday on my annual drive to see the place where her body rests, then I journey past the funeral home - past the Farmington Inn - where I stayed during the wake - then to Conn Collage - where she was a student and where I have had a tree planted in her memory - then finally back to East Derby - but first stopping off at Tony Wong's before I headed home.

21.48
This time was different: I felt nothing at the cemetary. Even after I tamped a big heart in the snow - I still felt nothing - which made me feel a little down - because I was hoping to feel sad. So here I was - sad that I was feeling nothing - standing in the cold - completely speechless...

Why is it that sometimes I connect and other times I don't ??
Why sometimes I cry and sometimes I laugh??

I wish I had the answers - but I don't...

21.52
Today I saw myself return to the river which I love so much. I was out in my Old Town Predator K-140 - which is aptly named "Temperance". I thought about taking out the canoe - but then decided that the kayak would be a better choice - since I wanted to do recon work as opposed to clean-up - as luck would have it - I did both. While I was out on the river experiencing complete joy in what I was seeing and feeling and hearing - I realized that something else was on my mind - the love for someone I have yet to meet or speak with - my love for a woman named Shannon.

How does one explain a love for something which is not seen??
Is it like faith??
Is it spiritual??

Is it even beyond anything I have ever experienced??

I'm going to say yes to the last one - because she really is on my mind a whole lot - and all I know about her is her character - meaning what she's into - which mirror's many of my passions and loves.

I believe that she may have red hair.

But I do believe with all my heart that if we were to meet - it would be a very very wonderful experience for the two of us... one that neither would forget any time soon. In fact, while driving - the song "Brandy you're a girl" by The Looking Glass came on - and I immediatly wondered what it would be like hearing that song with Shannon - and holding her hand as we were on the road somewhere...

22.00
Maybe I'm finally feeling free...
Maybe I'm finally feeling me self again...

- All I know is I really REALLY want to meet Shannon - or at least speak with her - and I pray to God Almighty that I don't blow it... because a good friendship can always go further if the feeling is right.

22.02
I found out about "The Little Girl Who Would Not Wear Her Shoe's" during I think the fall of 1995. We were engaged, and my salary at the time allowed Leslie to focus on her passion of writting poetry or short stories - or art. When Leslie told me that she wanted to write and illustrate childrens books - I was very overjoyed. In some ways, I now feel that this first book was going to be about her - when she was a child. In some ways - she still was - even in her early 20's... She definately was still barefoot everywhere she went - unless it was too cold...

The innocence she had was remarkable - her kind gentile free spirit... in some ways I can see why she chose to leave this earth - the reality of life was too cruel - she was far more deserving of something which could not possibly be offered here.

While driving yesterday - I tried so hard to imagine what it was like when she was by my side in the jeep. I put my hand where her leg would have been - and felt the seat cushion - and nothing else.

Leslie really is gone - and there is nothing I can do to bring her back. There will never be another woman who walked barefoot everywhere the way Leslie did - and I need to recognize that fact for once and for all...

Oddly enough, as soon as I left the cemetary - the big D 103 played Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes "I'll Never Know Love Again" - which was a big part of the Philly Sound back in the day. I may have the title wrong - but it's something like that.

I took this as a 'sign'...

22.14
Oh Dearest Shannon, how do I get to speak with you, how do I get to meet with you??

This is a love which I know is real - because it's for all the right reasons...

22.15


22.24
I think everything's gonna be alright.

22.25
I'll be back soon. 2009 is gonna ROCK !!!

Give-Forgive-Respect,
GEO..

22.47 East Derby.

Imagine the shock I felt when an old friend found me through MySpace...

Imagine the shock I felt when I started thinking about the times we spent together...

Imagine the shock I felt when I realized that those were the best years of my life...

Well, they were - and those years were between 1982 and 1992 - the setting being in Bay Ridge around a park called Cannon Ball Park...

Sully was one of those great folks you meet during a lifetime - one who's friendship cannot be denied. The very last time I saw him he was with a girl named Maryna. He introduced me to her, we made some small talk - and that was it. If I did see them again, it was by pure chance - but that one meeting I still remember and remember well.

It was amazing to know that 20 years later they have a family and they have not given in to the standard adult life where you will do as you are told. Instead, they are raising their kids to be the next generation of those who carry the flag in the name of radical thought and expression - and for that I am ultra proud. While over the past 8 years or so, I have become re-aquainted with some from the VZ B&T scene - it's not the same. I guess in some ways it never could be as people 'grow up'. Take Trina for example: a wild child who ran around NYC barefoot. I remember seeing her outside a cloths store on Broadway - dressed real sharp - but barefoot - and she wasn't even the least bit concerned by it either... I used to talk with her about it - and she would tell me stories like when a cop told her to put her shoes on or how her soles would become so black she would have to shower 5x as long... but when I saw her last - at the Three Jolly Pigeons - she was a mom, and an adult. She grilled me about a letter I wrote her - so it was obvious to me that she 'became one of them'... I never spoke to her again.

Another barefoot girl who left a lasting impression on me was Sully's sister - who I never even knew existed until the time she walked into the VZ B&T looking for John. Her barefeet pounded the ground nice and hard, she was committed to going barefoot - and why I never asked her out is now beyond me. I'm going back a long time there - over 20 years now - and I now wonder where she is and what ever became of her, along with a few other's like Caroline and Michelle (Keiths girl-friend)...

23.02
I am looking at a huge self portrait I did back in 1991 - it's a profile of me playing electric bass in that same park - something I did on a regular basis during the early 1990's...

That park was more than just kid's hanging out - it was a way of life. When I see that park now - it bears little resemblance to what once was... It's almost like it's charm is gone, that it's life has been sucked out of it... when I see it today I want to cry because I miss those glory years so much - but it's an era that's gone forever and could never return.

Brian tried to keep the dream alive by having his re-union parties - some of which I made - many of which I missed, in some ways it was heart breaking to see everyone becoming like their parents...

Brian told me about a stag party for maybe John Divine where Sully showed up - it was held in a Pub on 3rd ave in the 90's - and Brian asked Sully what he was up to - and Sullys response was "keeping it real' while pointing to his converse... I know exactly what he meant - and I was not even there!!

23.08
It was so great to hang out with a great buch of guys and gals - many of who's names and faces are now just a distant memory. When I started my MySpace site - the purpose was to see if it could be used to track people down in reverse... I would post enough info where if someone googled themselves - my site would appear. I was always surprised not more folks have tracked me down. Kathy Golas was one who did - but even she is now a very different person - very different than the person I once knew since age 16...

It's sad watching people change. I watch my parent's get older and it breaks my heart knowing that soon they will be gone - then it will just be me...

This up-coming week marks the 13th anneversary of when my Leslie took her own life - so this is a very tough time for me as it is. Thinking about my parents growing old makes it even more difficult, not too mention watching myself grow old as well. While I have for the most part still carried the flag - I am slowing down too - I realize my health is not what it once was. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with anything anymore - I mean, what's the point anyway - once you are gone - you are gone... But then I'll watch a nature show and realize that there is much beauty out there - and that my true calling is to defend the air, trees, water, and animals by any means necessary...

23.16
I called Shannon 3x over the past few days - and left messages... I wonder if I'll ever get to speak with her or even meet her. I always get my hopes up too high - and when the eventual rejection comes, it hit's me like a ton of bricks...

Well, I did my part... at least I tried.

While this post may appear morbid - please know that I am ok - I'm just going through 'them changes' and I need to lash myself to the ships mast and ride this storm out - some great advice my friend Kevin gave me to help with my grieving over Leslies passing...

I thought this post overall was going to be different when I was thinking about what to mention last night, but today I guess my mind's elsewhere - either way - it's all good I guess - at least that's what I keep telling myself...

One thing I am going to start doing is spending more time and doing more thing's with my parents while they are still here - because I owe it to them. It's the least I can do for all they have done for me - and besides - the guilt I would feel for not doing so would be too much to bear...

I love my parents very much.

They are all that I have.

I never thought it would come to this
- but it has -
and there is nothing I can do to change it.

Give-Forgive-Respect,
- George

21.27 East Derby.

No kayaking today, still too cold and too much ice to safely launch... so I went for a walk instead - which was good because it gives me a chance to clear out my head.

I got an email from "K" last night. I mentioned her a few posts back, and to my surprise - she found her name mentioned on google and felt inclined to write. BINGO!! Sometimes I include last names just to see if I can draw someone from the past back into my life. So, needless to say - today we emailed each other a couple of times, and may even get to see one another after so many years of silence between us.

Everything is changing. Like it or not, we are all growing older. I have nothing in common with the person I was 10 years ago. Nothing... I have grown - I have shifted my interests - and I have in some ways moved on from the past...

Evan from the Official Hooligans once told me the importance of doing new thing's as opposed to not. In his case, it has worked very well for him - Evan has really grown into a very good human being with many interests and passions - all good.

I'd like to say the same about me, but I'm not sure if I can yet. Kelly brought up a good point: My Drinking. Gina also did the same back in 1998, so did Dawn and Linda (from Bay Ridge).

Well, the good news is that I've in a way put that part of my life behind me. The aches and pains are not fun - nor do they ever go away - not too mention too much lost time and lost relationships... lucky for me, kayaking/hiking/cycling are my new drug's of choice.

There is nothing more spectacular than being one with the outdoors and nature. Of course, that being said - it forces me to re-evaluate certain aspects of my life - and rid the bad while promoting the good...

21.38
Oddly enough, Sarah called me - and gave a very valid reason why she did not return my two calls back in December regarding the powered monitors I got for her. So, they are her's - she just needs to come over and grab them. Kelly mentioned that she might want to get together the next time I do with Violet and Sarah - I actually suggested a coffe shop as opposed to here - so my guess is when Sarah and Violet pop in, they will be by themselves...

So, the post I did - which I think was called The 12 days of Christmas has been modified - which is something I rarely do - but in this case - felt compelled to do. Now it reads better and is more in-tune with whats going on in my head...

21.43
With the first normal winter in many years - everybody is wondering what happened to global warming - including me...

If we have been duped all this time - then something has to be done about this - meaning that the truth - what ever it amy be - needs to come out...

Louie who's a friend of mine from work who is now retired sends me tons of info which is stating that the earth is actually getting cooler - not warmer - and that it's a combination of the jet stream and sunspot activity on the sun which determine our climate. Duh!! I knew that when I was 10, how come I forgot?? Because I've been told the same lie a thousand times and eventually believed it.

21.47
So, as we enter this new Ice Age - one wonder's about how this will change the way we look at thing's and who we believe and more importantly don't...

I have both the N.Y.Post and Daily News special editions which covered the inaugaration of President Obama. The pictures are quite good, what a good President and First Lady we now have... this reminds me of J.F.K. even though that was before my time. I feel good, actually proud to be an Americam now.

But I continued to read about how the new Pres and VP and their wives broke traddition: By waving goodbye as the VH-61x lifted off and took Mr and Mrs Bush away...

What a kind gesture. I feel sad for President Bush. I remember when he first got elected how happy I was and I really liked him. I even defended him post 9/11 and truly believed every word he said. Then, towards the end of 2002 and definately by early 2003 I started to have my doubts - which eventually became anger. I left the Republican Party to become a Green. Now, 6 years later - I feel the Greens are full of shit too... so what is left?? The Democrats?? No. The Republicans?? Well - no I don't think I'd go back... I need to see if I can regester as a socialist here in CT because that's really the party I believe in the most.

21.55
I honestly feel let down by our leaders - but that being said, I think we've been kept in the dark about too many thing's to - which is wrong - because then you wonder who you can and who you can't trust / believe - and that's dangerous.

The U.K.Subs did 2 amazing releases - Diminished Responsibilities and Endangered Species... One of those has a tune called "Ice Age" which really hit's home. I grew up with those recording's... the Subs got me through some pretty hard times and I still consider them a very important band...

Well, that was over 25 years ago - where does the time go?? A solid 25 years which have been a solid blur - filled with lots of negative values as opposed to positive. I really want this year to be different - I want to start over as my 44th birthday is looming towards me. Age 45 will be spectacular is all goes as planned - while that can never be banked upon, I at least need to stay focused and true to my beliefs in A.T.W.A then the rest will follow - and follow it will !!

I'll be back soon.

Peace In Christ,
George

01.26 East Derby.

Right On !!

Man, 2009 is upon us and in some ways I really feel good. New President - who is truly loved by the people - I mean, I have never felt more proud to be an American than I do today. I have a new job, which I promised myself for my 43'rd birthday - well, that didn't quite happen - but I did have it by Labor Day weekend, and I was still 43 - so I guess that's gotta count for something...

But, that being said - there's a whole lot of sadness inside my head as well... I'm a middle aged man - who's life is quite different than than my parents was at this age in their lives. In some ways, I'm still in my late 20's but in others I'm an old man - waiting around to die. I now see how old I am when I see people in their 20's - and they seem so young to me - I never understood that - when older folks would tell me that I was just a baby when I was 25 - but now I see the corellation of this... man, the kids of today are so different - but maybe that's good... I don't know - in some ways I blame my generation for fucking up everything today... the generation before mine was probably the last good generation - but those bastards are not exactly innocent either. I think alot about when I was growing up on 85th street in Bay Ridge, during the 1970's - playing, having fun, discovering girls, and also the dark side...

01.36
I was thinking today about how I was once playing touch/tag football with Janet Padvaganian in the street - and I could not pay attention to the game because I was more interested in watching Janets black as coal barefeet pound the filthy street - even where there was glass. She was one hard bitch and I say that as a sign of respect. To this day - her hair and body style - not too mention her choice of going barefoot everywhere - is exacty what still turns me on to this day - in fact, Gina Connor - who was the very last lover I ever had - was almost an exact copy of Janet...

But even more so, I think a lot about my school years, especially elementary... K - 12 is a long time, even longer when you are young - but it was 13 years ago this Feburary my Leslie took her own life by choice while I slept next to her. In some ways - it seems like a life time ago. But it wasn't - it was 13 years - which now that I think of it - really flew by...

01.41
I guess I feel this way because I tend to gauge thing's by what gets accomplished, and from birth till I was like 30, it seems like each year brought something new and important into my life. But by age 35 - that stopped - and by age 40 - I've stagnated into an accepted pattern, which continues to this day - which I accept as my 'life sentance'. The only real big change - which is by no means trivial - is my work in the name of A.T.W.A. - which will always be a major factor in my life. Sunshine Sparrow is some one who I dearly love, and I think she feels the same ways about me - but it's tough to say. For those who read this on a regular basis - I spoke a whole lot about a woman named Julia who's from Michigan who's really tall and into the Sunhumans. Well, she lets me look into her eye's - which are almost as sad as mine - and if it wasn't due to the fact that she lives with another man, she would live with me... and I really mean that too.

01.46
Then there's Dianne, who is pictured above with some of the animals both she and Larry adopted / rescued. Dianne is an A.T.W.A. girl - and she does not even know it. I go to have a real good phone conversation with her last Sunday - turns out that back in her youth when she lived in Ohio, Dianne was an extreame barefoot girl - in that she did so year round. She told me that her heels were stained ad like horse's hoof's!! Now, if we lived closer - there's a chance something would have happened between us post Larry - but as time goes on - it becomes more and more doubtful...

Besides, in all honesty - I'm a gonna hold out for my "sparrow...atwa gal" who I really hope to meet this year. Actually, I want to take her out in one of the kayaks I've named after her - the Morning Glory... Same for ChrisTDF - who has "The Dancing Ferret" named after her. Now ChrisTDF owns my heart - but the love is the love of a sibbling - there is nothing romantically happening between - and as time goes on - I also accept will never happen. Again, Sunshine is my last hope before I give up completly, although Julia can become an active part of my personal life as soon as her heart desires...

01.54
Besides seeing my age increase and noticing that young folks seem a whole lot younger - I'm feeling a whole lot older - parts hurt which never did - and I now see my 'self' slowing down. Maybe this will change, actually once the weather breaks and I start biking and kayaking - I'll feel a whole lot better...

I wonder if Janet ever goes outside barefoot these days - or Gina for that matter...

02.00
Life really is a con, isn't it??

I mean - in some ways it's a shame life just couldn't be static - but in other ways it's kinda neat that it's always changing too...

But I see it changing for the worse. A good example is this bullshit where the students can't walk to and from school - shit - I did it when I went to P.S. 104 for the 3rd and 4th grade - in fact, some of my memorable experience's were when I was walking along Gelston or 5th ave - it was soooo cool just to be alive at that age... I mean - do kids even walk today ?? I'm sure when I state that I walked to school in all weather or took the subway or city bus - I get the same looks as the people my generation gave to those who said they had to walk uphill both ways barefoot. Well, I knew more than one girl who went to school barefoot - but uphill both ways?? - I was never gonna buy that...

02.06
I'm listening to WBAI and they are having fun with the new president and making spoof's of the only one being kicked out - but it's more kinda 'general silliness' more than anything else. All I know is this: the vibes are real real good now...

So perhaps this decade will end on a good note; in fact I remember Phil Barry talking about how sometimes the decades overlap - like the 1990's already starting in the late 1980's - you know, the 'feeling' of change... I guess one could say the fifties went from the late 1940's till about 1962 or so, then the whole 'sixties' came into play - but only till 1969 - then the seventies rolled in - until Reagan became president... I already feel that the 2010 - 2019 decade is now beginning (what do you call those years - the teens??) and in fact, when asked how old I am - I say 44 - which will be true once March rolls around...

Everything is moving forwards: Making Flippy Flop. I watched the Talking Heads movie "Stop Making Sense" which really got it right. They were by far the best touring band of the 1980's. As for the 2000's I would say a tie between YES and U2. 1990's?? Jane's Addiction. 1970's?? WOW!! now that's a challange... because there were so many out of control brilliant bands back then but it's all good...

02.15
Well, I feel the need to sleep now - and dream sweet dreams of Christine and Amanda but first I want to make mention of a real intense dream I had earlier this week with of all folks in it: The Big "C". Yup - Charles himself... This dream was very odd in that it took place with people I know from work on a fringe basis - like Julia for instance - was not in it - but anyhow - it's like an auditorium - and Charles is there free from his chains and shackles and is just sitting by the stage but on the level of the spectators. I have no idea why he was there - or why I was - but during the dream I am asked if I was going to see Manson, and of course I said yes - and in a panic - I tried to make Charles a ATWA artwork - but it came out wrong and I decided it would be better to just spend some time with the man so I strolled on in - and saw him on a small wooden folding chair - with his head down and his arm extended forwards. He had an utter look of disgust. He was bent, and broken, and very tired. I got down low and touched his hand and told him that I loved him (which I do in real ife) and I made some small talk which made him feel hopeful and pleased - like he was passing the baton down to me to carry - so to speak... I don't remember who this dream ended now - BUT the next dream was with my sparrow...atwa gal!! Oh, and she had flowing Red hair and was built like Gina and Janet, oh she was so perfect - she might have even been barefoot too - but this dream took place on a park bench in Plilidelphia - where I am just looking at her - gazing in Sunshines eyes - and she just has this aura about her - almost like a halo - then I woke up yet again... in fact, I will try tonight to continue this dream tonight. When I was having "Linda" dreams, I could wake up, have some water or use the head - then fall right back asleep - and re-join "Linda" without skipping a beat - now who's better than me - my girl waits even in my dreams for me??

If only Linda would wait for me today...

14.32
In a couple of weeks is the 13th anneversary of Leslies passing - I'm sure I'll have something to write about here afterwards...

Give-Forgive-Respect, plus bullet proof love for my atwa gal,
- Big George aka Earth...

14.23 East Derby.

When I discovered the Defenders Of A.T.W.A. (Air Trees Water Animals) site a little over a year ago, I never realized that the owner of this site would provide me with words which would resonate so deeply.

Sunshine Sparrow: "When you do something out of love, it can never be wrong."

Now, another person who I truly admire has stated this in the past: "You have to have a real love in your heart to be able to do this".

Now these are not exact quotes - but this is the general meaning. By the way, the second quote was by Susan Denise Atkins-Whitehouse.

14.28
Anything I do today I do out of love. Even something as painful as listening to Rush Limbaugh - who is truly a very scary ingnorant person.

Wait a min, no he isn't. The man is a very smart person who has made his millions paid by the RNC by preaching just exactly what stupid American's want to hear, like exercise is bad for you, Clinton was president during 9/11, I mean this guy is out of control - but the more I think about it - everything he does is very calculated and cunning... he puts words in other peoples mouths, and he misleads his listeners into believing his diatribe as absolute gospel. In fact, he feels he is on the same level as a mahavashi or even God himself!! How the Christian Right lets him get away with this is beyond belief, but I guess even they are kept in check. It's interesting to listen to him bash anyone outside of the Bush Administration - yet, he's totally ok with our current coke addict / alcoholic leader - oh wait, Rush is a drug addict too - and a rich one at that.

14.36
Boy, would that pig look good with a fork sticking out of his stomach.

Anyhow - there is nothing stronger than the power of love.

Michelle taught me this as well - after she demonstrated just that on a furrier's store front - almost 20 years ago...

I wonder where Michelle is today, I mean if I were to run into her - the first thing I would ask is if she would marry me...

Give-Forgive-Respect-Love,
- Earth...


***REPRISE***

00.58 East Derby
Ok: So I get to work earlier today, and I realize that the most important part of this message was left out - so here it goes...

Last night after a very good conversation with Wayne, out of the blue he asked me if A.T.W.A is an orginazation. This totally caught me off gaurd so I kinda waffled back and forth on it - and realized that yeah, it is an orginization but then to me it's actually more like a religion. I say it's an orginazation due to the emergance of ATWA International. I recall my friend A.C. telling me that actually the big C really did not like the idea of A.T.W.A being an orginazation because he felt it was much too sacred for that type of term. I can see that, but apparently even Charles goes back and forth so I have to assume that ATWA International has his blessing's. Wayne then asked about members - and honestly - I went off on a limb and told him that I believed that it's more of a loose group of perhaps 50 real hardcore members and perhaps another 50 interested members. I have no way of knowing for sure what actual numbers would be but I would suspect that they are very low indeed - which really makes us very special - because this shows just how few people really have that love in their hearts to know the truth, share it, and act in the name of truth and love as they see fit...

01.07
While on the topic of love, I thought quite a bit about Diane at work. She is the most stunning example of female beauty I have ever witness in my entire life. Last year, my friend Cheryl mentioned to me tht she would love to have Diane's body in her next life. I said nothing. Cheryl said something about what a knockout Diane is (which she is too) and then looked right at me and said "...don't you think??" Of course this caught me off gaurd - and I might have said yes but I don't know...

So, as I suspected - it turns out that Diane was the life of the 2nd shift Christmas Party - showing up drunk and having to be brought home - by Jermey no less... I'm willing to bet Diane looked immaculate in her dress and strap-py high heels but it's just as guess. Either way, it's good I was not there.
Oh, it gets better: She lives walking distance from me.

I spoke with Julia a couple of times tonight - and realized that we would never advance more than our very casual work based friendship - which is cool. Kyle and myself were out and about looking for a tool kit which vanished without a trace - when on cat from the R line came up to Kyle and told him "yeah her name is Julia that tall girl..."

01.13
I felt so proud of myself because I did not even skip a beat. It was like it meant nothing to me at all - because it really didn't. This is an important development in my goal to be a proper person of sound character and judgement... so let's see where Kyle gets :)

01.16
Me and Vad exchanged a couple of emails - I was asking about the drunkette's Christine and Amanda, and we exchanged a couple of good shit stories... Life is Beautiful, isn't it.

As I am typing this I am noticing that every single girl / woman I was ever involved with - it was their character which turned me on - from Kathy Abdulahad being a barefooted vegetarian before anyone was into Animal Right's to Leslie who was a gifted writer and artist to Gina who taught me that enjoying life sober was really possible... well, almost - ironically - she drove me to drink towards the end - and this is why I am how I am today...

Diane is beautiful, but what substance does she have?? What kind of character lies within her soul??

All I know is that today I was with Barbara, who is someone I really love - and man - it felt so good just talking with her - of course the initial hug's we exchanged and the kiss goodbye made me :) knowing that we really are friends.

Anyhoo, time to get some sleep. Smokie get's his 24 staples removed, then he should be good as ever... Some fool at work - wait, it was the guy who drove Diane home - told me that I should have put Smokie to sleep after I told him how much the emergency surgery costed to remove what he ingested ($3100.00) and I tol him, no - that you do to people. He said whoa - you would put me to sleep - to which I replied yes - and I meant it - then I let forth a rant about how people don't deserve to live only animals do - and how I have no love towards humanity - which truth be told - I do feel on many occasions - especially when I see how all they care about is greed, slavery and destruction...

When Charles said "Fuck People: People Are The Problem" - he was right - and still is right today - and that's a love which I feel too - so it has to be right.

- E...

11.53 East Derby.

I believe that today is day 11 of the 12 days and with that I have been making several observations as of late. Firstly, knowing who my friends really are - and those I need to put in my past - and leave them there - knowing that there's no hope for redemption.

I'll start with the beautiful always barefoot Jadzia, who is pictured above. She calls me when it is convienant for her and only then. I got the "Merry Christmas" call on Christmas Eve, which I returned on Christmas Day - to which she replied that she could not talk - and that she would call me - knowing that I was off all of the following week. No call, which was fine with me - because I had Smokie to take care of... Sorry Jadzia, but you're now out.

Then there's a woman I've known off and on since say 1995 - who calls herself Barefoot Debbie - what is it with these Polish women who love going barefoot?? - anyhow - she is in the midst of yet another vow of silence towards me - because I was busy painting the fire house during this huge church event - which was on Labor Day Weekend. Labor Day weekend to me is a day of rest. It's a reward for those who toil long hours for little or no recognition. It's also a terrific excuse to get loaded of cheap American Swill, which if I recall correctly - I did not even get to do - but, perhaps I did. Debbie is a funny person meaning strange. She only associates with church people. Funny, I always thought it was the mission of the true christian to associate themselves with non-church people. Jesus used to go into pubs all the time, hang out with the drunkards and the whores, smoke a spliff or two - have some wine - and be on his way - after offering those who need salvation the most. JC was the ultimate cool mother fucker - he was the man - and nobody is ever going to tell me any different - I am a total believer in JC - but I am also the first to exclaim: GOD, PROTECT ME FROM YOUR FOLLOWERS!! Debbie only understands work. Fun = Sin in her book which = a one way trip to hell. She is totally out of her mind, just like somebody else I once knew who we would refer to as "the christian" - because he felt he was christ like - yet he was the most evil person who ever walked this earth, besides his boss - known as "the devils brother"... So, Debbie's out.

12.07
Then there's Violet and Sarah, who I've had an off and on relationship for many years now. Actually, it was real soild until say 2001 - when we had a bit of a falling out over my complaints (which I still feel were legit) over on of Sarah's friends band featuring a very beautiful, young, and gifted songwriter / guitarest - then thing's changed...

It started with all of them setting me up for a birthday party - which one by one they all cancelled on - on the day it was to be no less - talk about being cheated...

Well, I've tried very hard over the years to keep them as friends - only to realize that they only are friends with me when I guess it counts - which I really hope I'm wrong about... because I'm not innocent either.

I picked up a pair of powered monitors for Sarah for Christmas, and told her about this - but I still have the monitors - and it looks like they'll be staying right here for the time being unless I get a call. Believe me, I bought these to give to Sarah for all the right reasons and with good intentions...

Hopefully this year our friendship will return back to where it was pre-2001...

12.13
While I've had a personal wish list of friends for many years - I've now come to accept that certain folks just don't like me - and their names are here:
1. Gina Connor
2. Linda
3. Kathy G
4. May Lam
5. Dawn

Wow - that was easy... I purposely put last names up so those who may come across this know that they are finally free from worry about me ever wanting to 'patch thing's up' as we say in the trade.

12.16
It's always nice when you know who your enemies really are. The cool thing is the hatred or indifference is NOT coming from me - no way, I only radiate love - too bad so many other's choose to remain hard.

12.18
What's interesting to note is that there are no male names on this list. That's because men don't play games like women do.

The big thing for me in 2009 will be focusing on the truth and knowing who I can really count on. No need to mention any names, cause all my friends know who they are and while there is a physical distance between us - the love between us cannot ever be denied. It's all good...

12.19
I remember my good friend Jeff telling me about the pro's and con's about 'laying all your cards on the table - exposing one's self for all to see' and he did mention that there is something very liberating about doing so - and I have to agree, in fact - that's the main reason why this site is in existance in the first place!! It's therapy, and it's nice knowing that with me what you see is what you get. I'm as genuine as they come, and honest too - although Linda will tell you that's my biggest fault...

12.24
So, on this 11th day of Christmas I do have much to be thankful for, I mean I have:
1. an excellent job with a very good company.
2. numerous friends who do love me.
3. an opportunity to help get music and art out there which would otherwise never see the light of day.
4. vastly improving health (see 1 - 3 again)
5. the means to make a difference in defense of our ecology.

Ok - these are all positive thing's - now - what do I need to work on:
1. learning what's within my control and what isn't - and accepting any situation or outcome which may present itself as such. AA is right on the money with the serenity prayer.
2. learning that a friend has to like you 'just because', which is something the beautiful Annmarie Letteri showed me almost 25 years ago - which I foolishly cast aside...
3. making everyday count for something - even those where nothing tangible is being accomplised - since rest is an important part of life too.
4. seeking redemption from those I have wronged:
a) Kathy Abdulahad
b) Annmarie Letteri
c) Linda E
d) Gina Connor
e) Dawn

- interesting how this short list is comprised also of just women, including some who were on the list up top...

12.35
Men really are from Mars while women are truly from Venus. There is nothing compatible between us, we think and function on a totally different wave-length... because with men, it's easy to patch thing's up - but not with women...

12.38
Well, I think I got out what I needed to get out just now. Do I feel better ?? Yeah, I do... but that being said - sometimes I wonder if this (blogging) really makes a difference... I guess in some ways it does and in other's it don't but that being said - if nothing else, my honestly and integrity here cannnot be denied. It's like what my friend Shannon once told me:

"If you do something out of real love, it can never be wrong"

Anarchy, Peace, LOVE.. . and Freedom
- George Waters

16.48 East Derby.

Diane - with some of the animals she and Larry adopted - once they got their farm...

I had originally planned to post a picture of Larry and Diane back during happier times - celebrating New Years Eve - party hats and all - but then I realized that I did not have that image as a part of my LJ site.

I now wonder if that was their last New Year's Eve together - since today marks yet another year without Larry - and one now without Diane as well, since we sorta lost contact with one another maybe 2 years ago or so...

I just tried to call her - she was not home, so I left Diane a message - hopefully she calls me back.

Interestingly enough, I actually was in the process of using my yahoo profile page as a tribute site for those two - but the site suddenly stopped taking any further input from me - so it's only 1/2 finished...

17.00
Believe it or not, this was a sober New Years for me as I'm still house sitting my Smokie - keeping an eye on him 24/7 - making sure he heals properly - as my other cats play together and also pay their own visits to Smokie... But this actually worked out good, because I got quite a bit of work done throughout my studio / home. Smokie is eating very good today - and drinking water too - which is good - he's now officially on the road to recovery and I can be a little more at ease...

I spent quite a bit of time today listening to talk show hosts on a.m. 960 which is a station out of New Haven. Both Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity occasionally made valid points, while 'el rushmo' was an idiot as usuall. I loved it when some caller made a total idiot out of him by making one of the most valid points I have ever heard: She said to let Big Oil bail out the auto manufactures - and I have to agree with her 100%. Rush had a fit - because this was a very legit idea - but one the neo-con's would not even consider - hence their incomes from Big Oil be slightly reduced. Sean on the other hand was going on about something regarding "Flipper" who is a puppet animal rights person on the right wing talkshow circuit. He made a valid point: If Flipper is so into Animal Rights, why does she wear leather shoes, coats, etc ?? An excellent point and question. I myself am even guilty of this BUT I am getting better because for the past 5 years I have not bought any leather products if options were available... but options can be hard to aquire at times, especially since it's a small minority of us who are conscious enough to care so much about the choices we make regarding what we wear - and more importantly what we won't.

I've had a 25+ year relationship with my dream girl from F.H.H.S who's name is Jane. We've been close for a good chunk of those years although when she was married - we weren't... But the reason I bring up Jane is that she is not a friend to the animals - she believe's in eating them and wearing them, including fur... For this fundalmental reason alone, me and her can never be one - because I am staunchly against such horrible, barbaric, violent behavior. Jane should know better, but for some reason she does not. Maybe some day she will see the light...

For some reason Michele has been on my mind. Michele who?? Michele who was Keiths girlfriend during the late 1980's early 1990's while Keith was staying at his grandmother's place on like 96th st and 5th ave in Brooklyn. Michele was ultra special - we bonded as friends when I cleaned up her fresh vomit in Keiths place. Michele was pretty. Slightly overweight - which made her incredibly sexy - and an inclination towards going barefoot whenever possible - she was a 10 in my book. But what really took me was how she knew about PeTA and P.A.W.S. back when the animal right's movement was not so strong. Around this same time, while passing through Grand Central Station - I saw a woman - a very animated woman - who was so filled with emotion that she was on fire - who had a very small booth set up with very large graphic images of animals being subjected to research experiments. I became so overwhelmed myself that I gave her whatever money I could and bought the book Slaughter Of The Innocent - which is a banned book - by Hans Ruesch. This is possibly the most powerfull book I have ever read on the subject of medical experimentation on animals.

17.26
It is of importance to note that while I believe I was in the consideration stage of becoming a vegetarian, I still was not complete in my transition. This would not occur until 1990. Sometimes I say 1991 but I think by 1990 I was totally dedicated to vegetarianism. And Michele was very instrumental in this decision of mine as well...

I remember myself and Robert returning from Cannon Ball park real late one night - like 3.00am or so. We had my radio and most likely were hopped up on Champale - our drink of choice - anyhow - there she was standing right in front of us on the sidewalk with a wild look in her eye's. I immediatly noticed that she looked very discheviled - and that there was red paint on her legs and that her dirty bare feet were cut. She gave me that 1000 yard stare as she said totally deadpan: "Wait till you see what I did to Antonivichs".

17.31
That was the last time I ever had direct contact with Michele. I don't kow what happened - but I know Keith and her broke up around this time - and that she was living real hard - in basements of any apartment building she could get inside of...

Me and Robert edged our way closer to Antonivich's since we had to go by there - and could not believe what we saw: The windows - plate glass - were smashed - and there was blood red paint strewn about everywhere. There might have even been some FUR IS DEAD writting but perhaps not. The side walk itself looked like a combat zone, no wonder Michele's bare feet were cut... but she was hard - nothing was going to stop her in her cause. I saw her around 1991 - maybe 1992 - I forget the years all blend into one - while I was eating at Sal's Pizza - or maybe I was getting on the subway - anyway I saw her across 4th ave with the other Michele - aka the skinny Michele - while the other Michele was simply known as Michele. Michele called out to me and waived - what caught me of gaurd was that she was going into a store and she was wearing sandals which were like 3 sizes too small - obviously not her's - maybe a borrowed pair - interesting enough - the very last time I saw Keith - which possibly was around this same time - he asked me if I saw Michele (I said no, which I believe was the truth) and he said he was looking for her so he could give her her shoes back - which he was carrying and squeezing - they were flexible...

17.39
Why I did not bring her home to CT is an easy mystery to solve: I most likely did not have my home yet (mid 1991) so there's your time frame I guess...

17.41
What's interesting is that there's a couple different versions of the Antonivich story which still get's talked about from time to time. Both add me into the equation - as Michele's partner in crime. I wish I was bold enough to do so - but trust me when I say I was not involved - because I wasn't - but that being said - I was very proud and still am of Michele's work - she totally believed in the cause for animal rights... I wonder where she is today?? If I knew her last name I would have mentioned it - hoping that someone doing a google search on her would find this site - but I can't remember it - honestly - I don't think I ever knew what it was in the first place...

17.45
I want to make mention of here in this first entry for 2009 that this journal is totaly live and un-censored - it's whatever is on my mind - and it's updated whenever the mood strikes. There is no ryhyme or reason with what gets mentioned here vs. what doesn't - for the most part everything here is factual although I might omit a couple of thing's if need be...

There was something I wanted to make mention of here - and now I'm not sure if I did or if I didn't - but one thing's for sure - if I didn't - when I remember what the hell it was - I will...

17.52
What does one do with a present which you buy for someone - and now you get the feeling that this someone is avoiding you?? Well, lucky for me - it's a present I could easily put to good use - so time will tell the final outcome...

It's always hard when you don't know who your real friends really are - or how close your friends really are. I guess this year I'll find out with Violet and Sarah where exactly and how I fit in to their equation...

It's ok either way - I'm cool no matter what - but it's just nice to know. This year I'm gonna be finding out quite a bit about myself and especially those who I think are my friends - or who think are my friends, that being said - my real good friends know who they are without me saying a word - that's what trust and love's all about, isn't it??

18.00
Late last year I started to question why I even bother with the on-line community - so I shut down all 4 sites I was running at the time. Actually, I did not shut them down - I just decided to no longer update them. I decided that I wanted to return "outside the gate" and see what the real world was like - something I slowly became detached from almost 5 years ago...

Prior to the summer of 2007, I wanted nothing to do with the whole on-line community - but then I decided to set up a blog - on Yahoo360! - which I did while I was recovering from a bout of Minere's Disease. LJ came next, due to two thing's: ChrisTDF turning me on to it and 360 being a bitch. Somewhere along the line, I decided to get into deviantART as well - which at first was going to be used strictly for connecting with other deviants - oops - I mean photographer's... but my most ambitious sites were two sites done under the 'earthbound atwa' monkier - one on Blogspot and one on Wordpress. One was eco baised, the other political, both were insane to read and I guess the later actually got me into some trouble. Hence, once I could no longer update them - in a way I was relieved - since they both were becoming way too intense. MySpace was like the final frontier - something I really wanted to avoid - but something I felt was worthy enough to be a part of. Actually, I joined for the sole purpose of joining the MySpace Defender's Of ATWA Group - which I subsequently left after feeling not wanted...

Today I now feel that the on-line community is a good thing and I have made some legit friends - who also know who they are - along with reconnecting with old ones like Kathleen Golas and Rys Miller... Kevin Kash is another one who caught me on MySpace. For the most part though, my desire to re-connect with people from my past has been a huge let-down, perhaps as time marches forwards folks become less interested in their past lives and only wish to get on with their present.

Of course, the one person who told me to get a computer in the first place - Linda Erlandsen - truly wants nothing to do with me. My goal in life - if nothing else - is to win back the level of friendship which we once had together and - believe it or not - even enjoyed.

I have a whole list of folks I'd like to make ammends with - but there's no point repeating it here since it's out there already. Time will tell I guess if these ammends will ever be made - or not...

18.19
Today: Call Wayne at some point in time. Continue to monitor Smokie the Cat. Hang out up topside tonight.

Friday: Run errands.
Friday Night: un-certain as of yet, depends on Smokies health.

Saturday: Go to Altel Sound. Maybe stop by Banko's later on.
Saturday Night: un-certain as of yet, again - depends on Smokies health.

Sunday: Rest, visit parents.
Sunday Night: once again, un-certain as of yet...

Monday Jan 5th: Get back into my routine of work Mon - Fri at the defense plant while doing eco work during the daytime 2x a week if weather permits - and on weekends studio work / music / eco work as desired...

18.26
2009 should be a very exciting year. Believe me when I say you'll read about it here. If you are in the area, don't be afraid to join me...


Anarchy, Peace, Love and Freedom,
- Big George aka Earth...